How to make kettle corn! (and treat a second-degree burn)

Kettle corn is a salty-sweet crunchy treat whose enjoyment endures well after the burns on your arms and hands cease to sting.

You will need:

-popcorn
-oil (something that doesn't smoke at higher temperatures. I like peanut oil.)
-white sugar
-long-handled wooden spoon
-large pot with a tight-fitting lid
-a large popcorn bowl
-two oven mitts
-band-aids
-ointment
-salt

1. Make sure you have everything on hand and ready to use. Put about 2-3 tablespoons of sugar into a small bowl for easy access.
2. Coat the bottom of the pot with oil. About 2-3 tablespoons. Turn the heat to High.
3. Add 2 or 3 handfuls of un-popped popcorn.
4. Stir with wooden spoon so the corn doesn't burn.
5. When the first kernel pops, dump in the sugar, stir one more time, and cover with the lid.
6. Quickly put on your oven mitts. Pick up the pot and gently shake it about an inch above the burner. The popping happens very quickly. If done right, it should be over in 30 seconds.
7. Once the popping slows to about a pop-per-second, turn off the heat.
8. Remove lid. Dump popcorn into big bowl.
9. Notice an un-popped kernel jump onto your forearm making a sizzling sound on your flesh
10. Swear.
11. Watch in helpless horror as the kernel slips into your oven mitt.

12. Realize that since you're holding an impossibly hot pot there is little you can do to stop the glowing-hot kernel from finding a spot to rest on your pinky finger.
13. Swear louder.
14. Remove mitts and treat burns with ointment. Wrap in band-aids. Note that the finger will most likely blister.
15. Sprinkle kettle corn with salt.
16. Enjoy!